skeevy clients, UK slang, homemade weapons, & fake Jonah Hill.

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Yet another reason I want to be from the UK when I grow up.

… I will have the street cred to say the following sentence:
That is obscene and hilarious RT @scottfish75: I thought you might like a picture of barrowman wanking off a kranky.
(Warning: Link pretty darn NSFW)

I don’t even need to know what’s in the damn link, I just like the idea of being able to legitimately use the phrase “barrowman wanking off a kranky” in conversation because it just sounds cool.


Because if there’s anything the universe should let me learn, it’s how to make weapons with nothing but nature & a knife.

and yet, there’s the opportunity to do so for a mere $17.
…sometimes, I just love the internet. Don’t you?


It’s like I’m almost a real fake celebrity!

Fake Jonah Hill is following me. I’m kinda tempted to follow him just for this tweet:
In some parts of the world they don’t have clean water, but they also don’t have Kardashians. Sept 13

What up, fake Jonah Hill! Can you send real Brad Pitt to my house for some awesomesauce time?



Keep it up and I’m gonna get out of the car and drop you like 3rd period French.

I have two clients right now where I have the feeling that they’re trying to skeeve me out of being paid. I don’t necessarily know this for sure, yet, but some of the responses I’ve gotten make me think it may be easier to just drop the project(s) than attempt to bother dealing with the problem(s).

One of them currently owes me (a small sum of) money that’s inconsequential in the actual amount, but when I emailed regarding our discussion about using the end of the fiscal quarter to nail down the tracking method so that I’d be able to look & calculate my own commissions, & invoice for the quarter, suddenly emails aren’t being answered.

It’s taken 3 mos just to get to the point where I have the professional freedom to just go ahead & do what needs to be done to create a site that will actually generate revenue, and I’m hesitant to actually move forward with any of that work because they can’t seem to answer that question and/or pay up the piddling $40 from the last quarter that’s my commission because the site was pretty much dormant.

Really, dude? If Amazon can make sure that I get the whopping $1.44 that I was owed before they shut down all their CA affiliates one week into the new fiscal year back in July, I think I’ll be holding off on doing anything for your site until you can show yourself capable of fulfilling quarterly payments, thanks.

The other is just… I don’t know if he’s actually trying to scam me, or just busy & doesn’t realize that he sounds sketchy around the edges because he’s doing a headless chicken impression due to his work’s normal state of being at this time of the year.

If you’re saying someone might be working on what I just proposed already, then tell me that they can’t produce the list of what they’re theoretically working on because they’re out of town, I’m gonna call bullsh*t, because even if you’re not deliberately running it, it sounds really close to that.

Someone in Customer #2′s industry tried a similar thing with me last winter — I made a pitch, they tried to do it without me so they wouldn’t have to pay my fee. Not only did their attempt at a homemade campaign fail, but they ended up writing me a check for the amount I’d have been paid  if the project had made the goal I projected because I sat down with them & had a little chat about a thing we call “Intellectual Property”.

I’m just… I’m freakin’ tired, man.
I’m tired to constantly having to double check to make sure that people aren’t trying to pull a fast one — my business is to make your business profitable. I’m not trying to take money from you, I’m trying to help you make more, so if you just play things straight & pay what I charge to make that happen, you will make back my fee and then quite a bit more.

I’m just annoyed because it’s like, “Dude, if you stand back & let me do my work & everything goes through, you will receive about $125k in materials & cash between now & June, and I’d only be charging commission for $100k of it. Just work with me, let me do my freakin’ job & stop acting like you have to hoard every scrap of info away in a safe deposit box because I’m going to beat you with a stick & then try to sacrifice the kitten you don’t even have — if I frack up & you don’t make money, I don’t make money. It’s just that simple. I want you to look good so you make  money so that I can make money. The end.”

It’s all I can do lately to not just look at people & share the tagline of – “Don’t be a dick!”

Everything I need to know about business, I learned from pop music.
No, really.

As I once said to Anisa, “Oh my god, why do people keep acting like this — have we learned nothing from the immortal words of Justin Timberlake?”
and she started laughing, which is why we’re friends.

Mistah JT was totally right, so let’s just start from an important principle that everyone should abide by without each of us having to experience a totally heinous public breakup with Britney — what goes around comes around, biznatches.

If there’s one fact I have seen in practice it’s that karma is effin’ real, dude. Call it ju-ju, call it business philosophy, whatever you want. It might not be now, but oh yeah. If you set about to screw people whenever you can, they’ll make sure you get it right back.

I know a couple of guys in rowing who literally pride themselves on being assholes to other people. They’re totally proud of it.

The problem with that is that while it sounds fun & might work in the short term… nobody actually likes an asshole. They might hang out with you while you’re in charge or have something they want, but when the time comes that you need honest help with something… nobody wants to help an asshole. It’s just that simple.

So while you might think it’s funny & that you have the right to do whatever you want, I can tell you right now I have seen that sh*t come back & bite you in the ass as you watch everybody else get the job you were looking for or the salary you wish you had, and you’ll be left wondering why.

I try really hard to treat people fairly, especially when it comes to money. There have been times here at Museum!Co when I was in on an extra day and the work that I was supposed to take care of either wasn’t ready or just didn’t manifest at all, and I’ve gone to CaptJack and said, “Hey, I don’t have anything to do, do you have anything? Otherwise I’ll just head out so we don’t blow through your contractor budget.”

And you know what? He was okay with that. At one point, he actually thanked me for thinking of it that way. Hey, no lie — I totally could have bullsh*tted some stuff & gotten the extra day’s pay in that invoice for now, but because CaptJack knows that I’ll treat Museum!Co honestly, that’s one of the factors which I know he’ll consider as he extends my contract out further so that in the long term I’ll continue to have a paycheck much much later.

So it bothers me when I have clients that are trying to jigger sh*t so that they can pull my ideas or work for themselves without paying me for it.

I don’t screw with your ability to make a living, why on earth do you think it’s all right to try to hurt mine?
This isn’t like shopping around to find cheaper DVDs on the internet, buddy — this is me having gone out & sourced information and resources & created materials specific to your business & offering an opportunity that I know you didn’t have available to you before where my fee will literally be returned to your organization nine times over, because I only charge 10% commission, so really? Work with me, motherf*cker, & stop acting like I’m some airhead LA girl who you think doesn’t know when you’re lying. ‘cause at the end of the day, I am actually so very East Coast, & Homie don’t play ‘dat.

Because I was born in one & spent a decade in the other, someone once asked me what the difference is between New York & Boston, & this was my answer:

“In Boston, when you piss people off enough, they’ll take you out back & beat you with a pipe, and that’s how things get done.
That’s actually pretty nice of them, ‘cause a pipe is hollow.


In New York, they’d use a brick.”

More and more lately, no matter how nicely I try to treat people, their reactions just make me feel like gettin’ my New York on.

Maybe I should iTunes gift them some Justin Timberlake instead.

Music: Be OK – Ingrid Michaelson Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson

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  • Kate

    You know, it’s stuff like this that makes me continually hesitate to pull the trigger and go only-freelance.

  • claris

    Kate: ya know, I totally understand that — especially as someone whose jump to freelance was made by situation, not choice. (oh, layoffs, you wacky bastards you.)

    One of the first things I did was to purposely take a moment & breathe before I did anything, because having that come up with two clients on the same day totally cheeved me, so I once I got past bitching about it on the internet, I thought I should attempt to be a professional in real life.

    For the first client, where tracking was… lacking (seriously, how could I not rhyme that?) I decided to end the contract. I’ve never been entirely okay with how things were going, and the lack of concern regarding making sure I got paid clinched it, so I sent them a very nice, “I am exercising my ability to resign from our contract” email.

    For the second, I emailed him and just explained that, I don’t know if that’s what he meant, but this is how it looked, so I think the two of us should sit down & clear things up, which I’m hoping he’ll do, because it’s a project that interests me and I’d really like to be able to bring it to fruition.

    More than anything lately, I’ve been working on shuffling off the clients that are skeevy, are hard to get payment from, that I feel aren’t on the level in their business practices, etc. (for instance, I presently have no clients in entertainment. I’m just sayin’.)

    I’m also working on getting rid of all of the accounts that I did as favors or for reduced price tags. At this point, the only outside project that I’m looking at which does not have a direct paycheck is one where the client wouldn’t be able to pay me the normal value in cash, but if I donate the files to their non-profit, can provide me with a tax write-off for the market price they’d have to pay an agency. For me as someone that works 1099 & has not paid any taxes yet this year, that’s a good deal for both of us, so in that case I’m willing to trade services.

    More than anything, I’m finding that just… making that decision to not take the crappy clients anymore is bringing me better clients. Metaphysically speaking, I like to think of it as when I made lawgeekgurl clean her apartment the night before she moved — yes, we ending up throwing out enough stuff to single-handedly fill the dumpster outside her old apartment, but then at the new place we had lots of room for the new furniture. ;)

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