letting go & learning to breathe.

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This time last year, I was freaking out.

I had been unemployed for over a year, I was making due on freelance & working as a valet, & I was kind of economically screwed.

I worked for three different valet companies, and while this did yield many an interesting anecdote, it also meant that from Friday morning to Sunday night, I often left Zoey in the care of Mia next door and spent the weekend alternating between morning practice at the boathouse(s), two to three valet shifts a day, and sleeping for a little bit between the hours of 2 & 5am in my car, naps that were interrupted a couple times by various members of the Los Angeles & Long Beach Sherriff’s Deptartments who were checking to make sure I was neither vagrant or dead.

^ Seriously, I just can not even tell you how many times I broke this law.

This continued through August into early September when I got my present contract at Museum!Co, a position which thankfully looks to continue for a good while longer.

I say this because the thing that seems to be coming to the forefront lately is how, in the short space of nine months, things have changed. How I have changed.

I think my biggest accomplishment for the year has been paying off Zoom!Zoom!
In a childhood that involved mortgage foreclosures & car repossessions, I will admit to no small amount of personal pride in having bought & fully paid for a brand new car. There’s no trick to make it work, no worrying about the power steering system, no need to carry a can of wire-dry because there’s a hitch in the design that causes it to stall out when I go through a car wash or it rains too hard. I get in my car, & it works. Period. After four years of owning it, I’m still a little chuffed by that.

My bills are paid. I’m not awash in money baths, but for me – my bills are paid, and at the moment, they’re actually paid a month ahead.

I can turn down work if I want to. I could have a weekend to myself if I wanted to. I buy my software legitimately, and I’m rather happy to do so.

And all of this is fine well & good, but on top of that, as of late, I’ve been more & more feeling less of the things coming in & an acquisition of stuff, & a greater sense of letting things go.

I am no longer on the email list for the Dolls. G emailed me & was like, “Hey, it’s been a while & I’m culling the distribution — is it okay if I take you off, & you can just give a yell if you ever need to come back on?”
…and so for the first time in six years, I’m not on the rolls as a Doll. And oddly enough, I was like, “Okay. I’m done with that.”

Polgara & I were discussing budgeting one day in my office, & I had my financial spreadsheet up in another screen. (I’m not gonna lie, it’s pretty detailed. Possibly bordering on scary.) As of July 1st, valet hours are no longer on the setup for possible income — even though I haven’t parked a car I didn’t own since last September, the neurotic contingency planner in me had left the possibility on there. Just in case.

But it’s time to let that go.

There’s a meditation exercise that you can do to purge things/people etc from your life, & one of the lines in it is “I ask you to take this from me for I do not need it anymore & it does not serve my life.”

More & more as of late, that seems to be my theme, and it would seem I am not alone. People are just hitting their wall of tolerance for bullsh*t & having that moment of, “f*ck it, I don’t care, let the sh*t fall ’cause I am done.” Whether it’s a job, a relationship, a living situation, whatever. Spring cleaning seems to have bled over into early summer.

I was talking to Sachiel a few days ago, & we were discussing this recent phenomenon amongst our friends, & a little bit of how it applied to her life & mine, and in the course of that I said, “Well, metaphysically speaking, you figure your life is like your apartment. You have to clean things out & throw stuff away every so often before new things can come in, otherwise you end up like an episode of Hoarders.”

I like space. As anyone that’s been to my place can attest, I like having lots of open space where I live. I hate being cramped in. Hell, I don’t even like having carpets – hard floors of some nature are a requirement for when I got apartment hunting.

I don’t tend to keep a lot of stuff in my life to begin with — one of the side effects of multiple economically-driven migrations during childhood. However, what I do have I usually keep for quite some time, so cleaning things out can often be difficult for me, and I openly admit that my emotional attachments are on par with the physical. I don’t often care about people, so when I do & things go badly, I often have a hard time letting go. Contrary to what people might think, I actually am a creature of habit, whether those habits be good or bad, so change isn’t always easy for me.

But lately, I just feel myself cutting ties. Being okay with letting go, and just not… caring about things that would normally have driven me beserk before. I find myself looking at people & thinking, “yeah… I don’t need to be here.”

Most of all, I’m finding that the universe is draining the chaos out of my life. Whether it be crappy clients, fiscal obstacles, or people whose level of being f*cked up is such that their chaos was affecting me… so much of that is gone. And honestly, I’ve come to realize that I’m okay with that.

Most of all I just have this overwhelming sense lately that things are going to be okay. That it’s going to be all right. That I don’t have to worry as much.

For what is possibly the first time in my life, I feel like I can breathe.

What about you? Taken a deep breath lately?

Music: Life is Wonderful – Jason Mraz (Mr. A-Z)Mr. A-Z - Jason Mraz

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  • http://www.candlemarkandgleam.com Kate

    Breathing is good.

    Very good.

    So is space, and decluttering your life and your mind.

    Good for you.

    Now I need to follow your lead, and make with the letting go. :-)

  • Andrea

    “People are just hitting their wall of tolerance for bullsh*t & having that moment of, “f*ck it, I don’t care, let the sh*t fall ’cause I am done.””

    Same here. This energy is pretty prevalent right now.. interesting to see others are experiencing this.

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