ironic irony, completely reasonable tasering, & culinary breakup sex

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Because sometimes, irony is kind of ironic that way
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Thank you, that would totally be my reaction

Afterglow Cosmetics, Inc

Breakup sex with my bad culinary boyfriend.
So as of late, I’d taken to referring to bread as my bad boyfriend — I know it’s not my friend, & I should just leave it be, but when it’s there it just feels so good, even though I know I’ll feel guilty afterwards… oh good bread, you’ve caused me many a gastrointestinal walk of shame, you tempting, tasty satisfying bastard, you.

However, in the last month, I managed to give up bread & wheat for two whole weeks so that we could test a theory regarding wheat that’s been circulating for a while — namely that I may be allergic to it. Or at the very least, sensitive enough to have a reaction.

The easiest way to test this is to give it up for a while, then have some and see what happens. When Damian first suggested this to me, I was like, “Well, how will I know if I’m having a reaction?” He laughed & said, “Oh, don’t worry — you’ll know.”

Because the thing is, if all you have is a sensitivity, then you’re not like say, someone with celiac — the reaction won’t be horribly severe, because your body can work around it once there’s a tolerance, it just has to work harder, and that can be expressed by retaining extra weight, having a skin reaction, etc. Just enough to be annoying, but nothing so big to warrant medical attention. So one way to test this is to give it up for a while, let everything flush out of your system & basically allow your body’s tolerance for it to wane, & then re-introduce it and… see what happens.

So for two weeks, I went off wheat. which, really… sucked. But it can be done.

Then, I had a spinach & cheese frozen pizza from CPK. In terms of junk food, that one is pretty low on the totem pole, but still – crust=bread.

Holy crap migraine.

Within an hour, my stomach hated me, & my head was all, “What did you do to us? :insert obscene gesture here:”

…which I’m guessing is what Damian meant when he told me I’d know. Awesome.

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So at Crew Classic this past weekend, I did what any girl does with a boy who’s got the hurts so bad, but feels so good vibe — one last round of culinary breakup sex before I left. I had hamburgers with the bun on, I had real pizza from a pizza place, (which I just can’t even remember the last time I did that)… and the Sunday morning, I had my favorite breakfast in the world, a bagel with cream cheese.
Technically, my favorite breakfast in the world is a kosher salt bagel toasted with actual sliced lox & cream cheese, but San Diego is sadly not New York, so I had to work with the resources I had at the time.

On the way home, I even stopped & got McDonald’s, complete with strawberry shake… which is when I learned that I’ve totally lost my taste for McDonald’s because I couldn’t even eat the fries. Sad.

Before I drove down, I took all my baking supplies of white flour & white sugar, packed them up, & left them with the kids at the House of Wind & Sea where I was staying — barring special request, it’ll be a while before I start baking again, & when I do it’s going to involve copious consulation with Shauna’s site since she’s already done all the experimentation work, so there was really no reason to have the six pounds of flour, four pounds of white sugar, two pounds of brown sugar, three bags of chocolate chips, box of baking chocolate & that last batch of brownies that I left in their fridge.

I mean, let’s be honest – I know how to do this. I’m an adult, & an athlete, & I’ve been in & around people who are far more serious about their nutrition & training than I am for almost six years now, so just by sheer osmosis I’ve got a good amount of knowledge as to how this works. It’s just a matter of actually… doing it, and doing so for longer than, say… three days. I just need to actually set up my life to bring food with me most of the time, & make the proper decisions when out in the world…

…and not think about the fact that it’s only been a day & a half, it’s 12:39 in the afternoon & I really totally want a cookie.


Today’s sing-a-long song
… is for @samhlee, who needed a musical pick-me-up.

You Got Me – Tristan Prettyman

Music: All I Want is you – Tristan Prettyman Live Session (iTunes Exclusive) Live Session (iTunes Exclusive) - EP - Tristan Prettyman

Adagio Teas Mothers Day 2010

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  • Melly

    That’s what happened when *I* broke up with your bad culinary boyfriend. I knew it hated me, but I was too lazy and kept ignoring it, until one weekend, I ate ALL THE WHEAT. I was sick for two weeks straight and never looked back.

    This month, I’m breaking up with refined sugar and dairy, in hopes of bringing some normalcy back to my body after the mold exposure. Or hopefully, less rashy skin? *sigh*

    • claris


      If Damian had his way, I’d be giving up dairy as well, but I just can’t face a life without normal cheese yet. (And yes, I realize that “normal” cheese isn’t really normal, but I can’t go raw yet.) Considering that my favorite food groups are bread, meat and cheese, the elimination of the first category is hard enough — at this point in time, if I want pizza, I only have the cornmeal crust ones from WholePaycheck as my only option, & while they are tasty, there’s a reason I call the place WholePaycheck.

      I just walked up to Polgara & went, “I’m going to walk over & get a thing of tuna fish so I don’t get a cookie. Wanna go?”

      …and she kinda laughed at me. Because our friends are fun that way. ;)

      • raithen

        Can you get Namaste GF mixes down there? *pauses to go look up website*

        because their pizza crust? seriously delicious (and I still EAT wheat, because I am not actually celiac, so I have compared. And the namaste? is YUM.) .

        Also Pizza Pizza makes gluten free pizza that is not brilliant, but widely available and not awful.

        And there is a WHOLE WHACK of GF products readily available now. I mean, you are in Cali. This isn’t THAT hard, especially if you are still eating dairy. (I don’t eat dairy. I can recommend it ;) .

        • Andrea

          Agreed with raithen…
          Break up with bad bf, but… cheat and flirt with gluten free?

    • raithen

      re: linking for you: have you discovered Namaste mixes yet? Because OMG So very very good. Pizza Crust, Brownie mix and Chocolate cake have all been consumed by wheat and non-gluten eaters in my house alike, and have been declared just plain awesome. In fact, they might be better than their glutenated counterparts:

  • Jess

    I’m so glad my body not only loves wheat, it doesn’t do well without it. I once had lunch whith no wheat, and an hour later my hands were shaking and I could write my chart notes. If you ever feel the urge to bake, feel free to send me the end product!
    Good Luck my dear!

    • claris

      Cookie whore. I’m just sayin’.

      Also? Missed you this weekend. also sayin’.

      Gwen tried to talk smack about how her boat was gonna beat us, and… not so much. That’s why we don’t talk smack… la la la… ;)

  • Jeanie TTF

    I’m sure I’d have a similar reaction given the Thor situation!

    When I broke up with corn (and a few other culinary no-no’s due to newfound allergies) I had to learn to a: read labels very very carefully, and b: make things from scratch that I used to just buy pre-made or ready-to-bake. Corn is hidden in EVERYTHING and Wheat is too. Recently, we discovered that my niece (who lives upstairs from me) may have celiac, so in addition to my own varied dietary restrictions, I’ve had to start coming up with things that are gluten-free for her. You try baking holiday cookies or cupcakes, then tell a four-year-old that she can’t have any of the goodies! Biggest suggestion: invest in a variety of “flours” and flour substitutes and combine at least 3 types in each recipe as no *one* of these will react the way wheat flour does. I tend to use a combo of rice, potato, cocounut, almond, arrowroot and tapioca flours. But I’m betting Shauna’s already mentioned the above.

    • claris

      Ya know, I’ve been reading Shauna’s site for a while now, but very rarely have I tried the recipes. Now, though… well I think I’ll probably have to chuck it & invest in a kitchen scale, ’cause it looks like her world is the culinary way to go…

      • Melly

        Having been GF for awhile now, I can say the best thing I ever discovered was GF all purpose flour. It’s basically a mixture of a bunch of gf flours and starches, is more economical, and as long as you use the appropriate amount of xanthan gum, you can substitute in 1:1 in pretty much anything. I’ve had the most amazing gingerbread and sugar cookies using this stuff, and my one friend who is a baking genius, always uses it in anything she bakes for me.

  • Kate

    A couple of people have suggested that I might have a dairy and/or wheat intolerance, and I really should do an elimination diet and check. But I really really really don’t want to find out that wheat is my Bad Boyfriend. Nooooooo. My precious bread and pasta…!

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