Freedom: squeezed that one in right under the wire.

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On the last day of 2010, I was given some interesting news. Looking back over the last three weeks, I can now see that people knew for a bit & were afraid to tell me. The teenager who unwittingly revealed it to me probably wasn’t expecting the reaction he received.


Since July, I’ve been slowly extricating myself from a situation that was… less than positive. From a group of people who are just… well, they’re fuckin’ miserable, really. At first, leaving was hard, but over the course of the month of December in particular I’ve come to feel that where I’ve moved my energy to has turned out to be a far more positive place for me with people who are just… happy. It’s really come full force to me of the great thing of being around people who are actually happy, a place where I don’t have to try so hard.

I realize that I’ve talked before about how being away from the old situation kind of illuminated this, but in some ways there were still a few connections that I wasn’t quite free of yet. A few dregs still in limbo, so to speak. Yet, with this news of someone else’s decision to move forward with something that we’ve all spent the last two years acknowledging is just not going to go well, I am now completely free to shove off without guilt or blame.
I know how this one’s gonna roll. As KC once put it, I can see the water that’s come before, and I can see what’s to come ahead. It’s a shame that this is the path which was chosen, when the other would have been better for everyone else involved. However, I also know that I’m not part of that chosen course of action, which means I get to move on now.

I get to be more. I get to be happy. I get to be loved.

So I laughed. For the sheer joy of being free.

More than anything, I like the idea that I was able to end the year with happiness. To shed an old skin, in the hopes that the new will shine even brighter. For everyone who feared to tell me the truth didn’t know what I do – that my heart had already moved on.

Granted, at first I wasn’t entirely happy about the choice. When I realized what had happened, I quite literally looked at the Cosmic Muffin and said, “Are you effin’ kidding me? He is the last damn thing I would want at this point. Fuck you, I am not doing that. ”

In reply, the cosmos laughed and said, “No, just trust me – go look again.”

Thus, with the same enthusiasm as a child doubting the promised taste sensation of gluten-free brussels sprouts salad, I took a drive, and took another look.

Okay, fine, I’ll admit it. The brussels sprouts tasted good.

Happy, universe? Are you happy now, you twisted, irony-loving mother fucker? –|-
(What can I say – I’m still working on finding my zen.)

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I had more fun in one conversation than I’d had in the last six months. Because it wasn’t… heavy. It wasn’t hard. There was no baggage.
Truth told, I kinda get the feeling that he was as nervous as I was judging by the fact that we’d end up on a tangent and then rescind into Awkward Pause Moment as we were both like, “So, Thing We’re Supposed to be Talking About…right, that.”

My experiences in the rowing community over the last four years has very much caused me to shy away from male attention, to recoil out of fear of what would happen to me if I didn’t reciprocate. Over the last year in particular, circumstances have forced me to withdraw into myself more for my own protection — don’t smile too much, don’t seem too friendly, avoid all physical contact with anyone. Stay separate. Stay guarded. Do not trust. Step back. Keep to myself. It was only by being above reproach that I could survive, that I would have a footing on which to fight.

More than anything, what stood out the most about that conversation in December was that it was lovely to be able to sit with a man and just… be appreciated. With no hidden agenda, nothing… smarmy around the edges. Just an underlying sense from both of us going, “Really? This is… yeah. This works.” As I left, I had to make myself step away because I had the impulse to kiss him on the cheek before I went, and contrary to what one might hear, there are aspects of life in which I actually am quite shy.
(No, really. True story.)

It’s not going to be a now thing. I know that. We each have things to be seen to. Neither of us is quite ready for one another. But each of us knows that the other is out there, which for me is in itself an odd sort of motivation.

So right now, I’ll keep on working on fixing me. I’ll still be alone for a bit, but now I get to move forward in the knowledge that it won’t be forever. Now fixing my life isn’t just something I’m doing to do, but also has the goal of clearing out as much as I can so that when the time comes, I am as unfettered as possible.

2010 was a weight. It was heavy, and it slowed me down. December gave me hope, and the very last day of the year granted me wings.

Thus, I get move into 2011 lighter. Stronger. In the last month, I’ve begun to smile again. To laugh more readily. To feel less alone. To know joy.

From 2010, I gained something very important – a reminder of who I am. Of what I am. I’ve regained my joy.

And in that, I am free.

New year, new philosophies:
As if we didn’t need more reasons to love Jason Mraz, I offer these last two blog posts which just made everything a wee bit better:
1. Prime Number Love
Skidoo 23

2. Possibly my favorite idea for the new year: In 2011, I resolve to be Magical.
Now Here’s Resolutions

Music: You Picked Me – A Fine FrenzyOne Cell In the Sea - A Fine Frenzy

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