In the process of completing a survey as part of a job bid, I finished the Self-Evaluation of Skills where I numerically rated my skills in various software products, programming languages, & miscellaneous skills. In the comments section, I put the following:

“In the survey above, the word “Writing” is spelled wrong.
(I also do proofreading.)”

I’m just sayin’.

Fear the future.

Someone marked a post on pinterest with the caption: “I want to be an Olsen”.

…I don’t know who you are, but I’m really really scared for you.

My monkey has red pants!

Let me start by saying this: I like kids. I do.

Due to the fact that I spent most of my teenage years working as what is now called an au pair* & thus have already raised someone else’s toddler, I don’t presently feel any driving urge to manufacture additional replicants. However, I do like other people’s children & honestly do enjoy interacting with them.
*back then we just called it “babysitting a lot”.

The result is that I am totally the person that stands behind parents at the grocery store & makes faces at your kids so that they laugh & clap and then when you turn around I pretend to be fully absorbed in my iPhone screen, thus causing you to wonder what on earth is wrong with your offspring that they are having spasms of joy over what appears to be nothing at all.

And then, when you turn around, I start making faces at the kids all over again. :thumbs up:

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That said, even I felt a little bad about this one.

I was in Target, & a very cheerful toddler stood up in the cart & began waving at me. As the housewares department normally doesn’t see that kind of enthusiasm, I happily waved back. She obliged by displaying the odd plastic green rubber… thingy that was in her hands (I have no idea what is the new…toy…thing or whatever) and said, “My toy!”

To which I said, “Your toy is very nice. What color is it?” When her face was clearly stricken at not knowing the answer, I said, “It’s green. Your toy is green.”

Toddler was rather delighted by this, and started looking for something. “Monkey!” she proudly said, thrusting out the tiny plush monkey which had been by her feet. “My monkey is green!”

“No,” I told her gently, “Red. Your monkey has red pants.”

It was at this point that her mother decided it was time to move to the next item on her list & we waved goodbye.

However, as I walked around the corner, I heard a small voice saying, “My monkey has red pants!” “Hi! My monkey has red pants!”

And, from my viewpoint, I could look down the line of aisle openings & see that my tiny new friend was indeed now riding the cart through Target, greeting every single person they passed & letting them know that her monkey has red pants.

To her mother:

I am so sorry.

I know what it’s like when I toddler grabs onto an idea & won’t let go, and I realize there’s the very real possibility that you heard about the monkey’s red pants for at least half an hour straight following our conversation, so yes. My utmost, honestly sincere apologies – I had no idea things were gonna go down like that.

Seriously. My bad.
~ Claris

Music: Howie Day – She Says (Stop All the World Now)

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…and thus entered Ernie into our lives.
Much to Zoey‘s deep chagrin.

Also? Holy crap lookit how skinny he used to be.

As such, despite several attempts by his older sister to sell Ernie to gypsies for a quarter, Ernie survived his first year with us. And since we’d don’t know his actual birthday, it’s been decided to make Valentine’s Day his Adoptaversairy Day, so today, Ernie turns seven.

In fact, Ernie comes into his seventh year having learned many important things.

Things I Have Learned!

by Ernie.

• It’s better to poo outsidethe house. ’cause when you do that, they say, “yay, good boy Ernie!”…and when you don’t, you have to sit in the corner. :sigh:
• it takes some time to learn how, but if you’re quick, you can follow Mom everywhere & not get stepped on.
• if you want attention, it’s better to sit with all four feet on the ground, ’cause Mom says making a dog dance for treats is demeaning.
• if you are quiet & patient & okay with her always being in charge, eventually Zoey will tolerate you, and then you can sleep on the same side of the bed and she’ll let you give her kisses! (I love my big sissy!)
• Quiet Time (when mommy meditates) is the bestest!
• before I pick a fight with a bigger dog, I should check to make sure I am bigger than their head. I don’t understand why that is, by the way – I’m a scrapper from south central, yo — I can totally take them!
• turns out that when I get to eat, I’m a whole different breed of dog. Who knew?
• when Mommy teaches Sculling I & I go in the launch, I am an excellent assistant coach. Mommy showed me that someone put it on their course evaluation, so it must be true!
• we’re not supposed to attack random people, even if I think they’re shifty.Sometimes I forget this one.
• I sleep curled up by Mommy’s tummy. Zoey sleeps behind her knees. Why? because that’s the way we roll.
• Zoey gets the big couch, & I get the little couch. Unless Zoey wants the little couch. Then I go sit on Mommy’s feet.
• My first night, Mommy got me a blue Thomas the Tank Engine blankie because she wanted me to have something soft & she thought that was better than the pink Disney princess blankie. It’s a year later, and I still really like my blankie.
• when Zoey walks over & looks at you, it usually means she wants that spot, so you should move. Some people think she only does that to me, but I’ve actually seen her move humans that way. It’s amazing!
• it’s nice here. I like it.Thanks Auntie Dao.

 



Expectation vs. Reality: the Adoptaversairy Version

 

Expectation.
Now, considering the way our house is, you’d probably hear the word “Adoptaversairy” and think “Oh holy jesus, you like, put the dog in a hat, didn’t you?”

source: Huffington Post

No, indeed I did not.

 

Reality: POO. omg, people. So. Much. Poo.


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Instead, we’ve spent the last two days with a puggle whose tiny tummy was hugely upset, an event that he kicked off my walking up onto my bed and vomiting – luckily, I was awake and thus able to cry out in alarm as I quickly stripped the topsheet off before it could soak in — to be honest, the part that took the longest was convincing Zoey that no, get up for real. Dammit Zoey, this is not a drill, get off the bed!

And such has it been. But only at night.

Two nights in a row Ernie has graced the floors with unintentional cow pies, the likes of which have reminded me of why I prefer hardwood flooring (which we do not have in the bedrooms) and have caused Ernie to hide under my desk out of shame until I coaxed him out to assure the poor baby that I wasn’t mad.

However, some advice from Auntie Anya & two 1/4 tsp doses of Pepto Bismol later, we seem to be on back on the right digestive track, thank $deity.
Thus, with a (arguably) more refined sense of decorum & a markedly more stable intestinal system doth Ernie enter the age of 7. Personally, I’m just hoping that this year involves such valuable things as finally getting The Ernie Noise recorded for you guys, maybe helping Sachiel figure out how to hold a puggle, & the vague notion that Ernie will become blasé enough about his security for the separation anxiety to ease just a bit — at least enough that his sister will no longer exercise the one thing she’s found Ernie to be useful for: Getting him to do shit, as she did one night when I shut them out of my room in the hopes of being able to eat in peace, and instead started the video on my phone because I… heard something.

I know this will seem odd at the beginning, but just… hang out & wait for it. Trust me.


Happy Adoptaversairy, lil’ man. Next year though… I’m totally gonna see if Auntie Mia can find you a tiny party hat.

Music: Twenty-three – Tristan Prettyman










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]]> http://heroineaddict.me/ernies-adoptaversairy-also-expectation-vs-reality/feed/ 3 http://heroineaddict.me/sht-we-say-in-la-21-jump-street-storm-troopers-on-the-highway/ http://heroineaddict.me/sht-we-say-in-la-21-jump-street-storm-troopers-on-the-highway/#comments Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:31:24 +0000 claris http://heroineaddict.me/?p=1959 I have actual content, I swear.

But before we get to the fact that Gina Curano is my new girl crush, I thought I’d share a few things with you:

sh*t people say in LA

While I have not snorted coke with Skeet Ulrich, I am verbatim guilty of the parking quotes, and yes, a couple of other things:


21 Jump Street? I am SO THERE.

Much to Sachiel‘s horror in the movie theatre lobby, I fully intend to partake of this, because unlike my erstwhile roommate, I’d already seen the trailer:


I love two things about this movie:
1. They’re not even trying to take any of it seriously.
2. The fact that every time they do promos for this movie, they’ll have to say “Oscar nominee Jonah Hill” really is just made of farcical win.

 

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How to mess with people on the highway:


That’s right, it’s a storm trooper motorcycle suit.
I’m not even gonna comment, you just go ahead & think up your own remark for this because anything associated with this will automatically be awesome.

Other news?

• I got my arse in gear & fixed the couch, thus making the dogs very happy.
• Slowly but surely unpacking things, thus making the cardboard box recycling plant busy.
• Have been sucked in over on pinterest, thus losing hours of my life, but with some good source material.
• Now need to actually do something with said source material
• I am in a waiting mode for a few things, and it’s driving me beserk.

 

More to come:

• At one point last week, I tried to work out but was defeated by my lack of a dollar bill. I really wish I was kidding about that.
• Ya know, for a group so up on relaxation, yoga peoples need to chill the eff out.
• Haywire made my world shiny.
• There actually does come a day when you stop missing wheat. Now, if I could just give up sugar.
• When in doubt about a soup recipe, just throw it in the slow cooker for a day. It really does make everything better.
• … except cheesy cauliflower. (don’t worry, the crock pot is fine. I didn’t even try.)

 
Music: Bach, the Cello Suites – Yo-Yo Ma



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]]> http://heroineaddict.me/sht-we-say-in-la-21-jump-street-storm-troopers-on-the-highway/feed/ 0 http://heroineaddict.me/bits-bobs-boundaries-being-a-sleeper-agent-for-the-arts/ http://heroineaddict.me/bits-bobs-boundaries-being-a-sleeper-agent-for-the-arts/#comments Wed, 11 Jan 2012 17:14:18 +0000 claris http://heroineaddict.me/?p=1920 Well, we’re moved. Things thus far?

- it would seem that, according to DJT, I have an entire magical adventure within my apartment. More on that later.

- I’m pretty sure Zoey thinks we’re house sitting, as whenever we go out for a walk she tries to find the car. Sorry, ZeeZee, this is where we live now, kiddo.

- Ernie just thinks everything’s an adventure. I’m astounded at how well he’s been behaving as of late – he’s even already figured out to wait until we get down to the sidewalk & pee on the streetlight, as I don’t want him to get in the habit of just lifting leg on the stairs leading up to the building… which I suppose counts as me teaching my puggle not to piss off the neighbors.

- We had a moment to appreciate that I had one large box of clothes and seven medium boxes of books — and that’s after I’d culled the herd.

The result is that I’m torn between getting a Kindle Fire and waiting to see if they actually come out with the iPad Mini (I find the current iPads a bit too large for my taste) and possibly that would help cut down on the space taken up by my book collection.


h/t to k-walla for this one.

 



 

- thanks to her present decor involving red sheets over the windows until we figure out curtains, Sachiel‘s room looks a bit boudoir-esque. This impression would probably be greatly improved by a lack of plastic bins, but I figure hey – at least she’s got the lighting down. Gotta start somewhere.

- mostly at this point, I feel like the apartment presently resembles dominoes — if I do this, it will affect this, this & this, which is a bit overwhelming.

Because boundaries are our friend.

In the course of conversation with DJT & Math on Saturday, DJT attempted to share an aspect of the collegiate experience & I quickly interrupted to set up the new rule that, unless it was something of an AfterSchool Special nature, stories involving their sex lives were to be witheld until they’d reached the age of 26.

When DJT wanted to know why 26, I informed him that was we would call the age where they became Actual People instead of Guys I Knew When They Were in High School — the first is acceptable, the second…just kinda creepy, especially since they’re approximately a decade younger than my younger brother. Or, as I have been known to refer to it, Situational Jailbait.
A term which, at one point when I was coaching, led to me walking away from a kid as his teammates explained to him what jailbait was. Ah, the joys of educating the young…

What does it say when me as a sleeper agent wouldn’t really surprise anyone?

Pause for backstory: Math‘s new girlfriend at school is an Illustration major, a fact which he & I have made several jokes about considering my profession.

As we were cleaning out the back closet in my apartment & pulling out a drafting table, art supplies, portfolios of work & paintings, I said to DJT, “See DJT, this is what I meant when I warned Math that dating an artist meant there’d be a lot of stuff to carry around.”

DJT, with one of my paintings in hand, asked, “Well, who was he?”

“Who was who?”

“Ya know… the guy. That you dated. Whose stuff you have.”

“What… what are you talking about?”

DJT pointed to the paintings & asked, “The guy that you dated who did all this stuff.”

At which point I laughed & said, “No, DJT – I’m the artist in question here. My degree is actually in fine arts.”

“Psh. yah, right.” When he realized I wasn’t kidding, there were genuine flabs being ghasted as he cried, “No way! You couldn’t have been an art major! I thought it was like, design & business or whatever… Really? Really? Are you serious?”

“DJT, why is this so weird to you? Yes, outside of all the other stuff, I actually am an artist.”

“Because, it’s just – Okay, you just – you look really normal, that’s all. Most of the time, artists don’t look normal.”

“…thank you?”

Because you see, the truth is that, much like the Boston mob in The Departed, every year the art community takes a few of us art majors aside and says, “Okay, here’s the deal – we understand that you want to dye your hair blue and spend most of the year planning your costumes for Burning Man, but we’ve selected you for a higher cause. We need you to go infiltrate yourselves into everyday society and learn to blend with, well, the Art Muggles, whom we refer to as Auggles. Once amongst the Auggles, it’s your job to subversively promote the art community’s leftist agenda so that when The Revolution comes, we’ll be able to topple the Establishment from within.

“… also, if you get a chance while you’re there, spread around some of The Gay. Even if you’re straight, just… see what you can manage — it’s a side project we’ve been working on. Great distraction, that. Gets ‘em every time.”

But alas, now DJT knows the truth behind the mild-mannered appearance I’ve cultivated via my natural hair color and quiet, understated wallflower-ish personality.

Pity. He seems a decent fellow… I hate to kill him. Ah, well.


Music: My Body – Young the Giant



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]]> http://heroineaddict.me/bits-bobs-boundaries-being-a-sleeper-agent-for-the-arts/feed/ 2 http://heroineaddict.me/a-tale-of-moving-house-tumblr-style/ http://heroineaddict.me/a-tale-of-moving-house-tumblr-style/#comments Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:23:49 +0000 claris http://heroineaddict.me/?p=1884 First: let’s play a round of “Expectation vs. Reality”

Expectation:
For the record, I had plans for these last two weeks of the year. Seriously. I was going to go through, finish cleaning out my apartment, organize my electronic files, finish up some lingering projects… you know, all those things that allow one to feel like they’re starting the new year in some semblance of control over their life.

Reality:
…did I mention that I’m moving on Saturday?

But we are! The week before Christmas, Sachiel & I took the Friday beforehand to go look at a couple of possible apartments… and came away completely disheartened. Personally my favorite was the guy that was willing to rent to us and then when he found out I had two dogs, told me the rent had just increased $100/mo. Seriously, dude? I mean, I’ll pay a full deposit or a pet fee, that’s fair, but you want me to pay you $1200 more a year for the entire time I rent from you?

Yeah… we decided to pass.

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Episode II: The Search Continues

Christmas Eve, we had one place to look at before Sachiel went to visit with Polgara’s cats for two weeks & I migrated with the puppies to the Long Beach Menagerie for a week. When we’d looked at the ad earlier in the week, I’d said to Sachiel, “I vote we just show up at the open house with the dogs and let them charm the landlord the way they do everyone else in the entire world.”




 

Sachiel was in agreement with this, so when we walked in & the property manager appeared to be a fairly normal, non-shifty lady who responded to my question about two dogs with, “Oh, I have a 13 year old Doberman, that’s fine” — I’m not gonna lie, I could have hugged her. However, this is California, and thanks to the celebrities we have laws about touching & keeping a legal safe distance from strangers, so I held back.

Instead, I offered to bring in the miscreants so Property!Manager could meet them.

On the way in, I looked at my errant canine children & said, “Okay, before we go in, both of you need to pee now or forever hold your peace. Go on, go potty.”

Ernie, always happy to show off that he’s a little boy, obligingly lifted leg & emptied the tank.

Zoey on the other hand, looked at me & was all, “I’m good dude. Totally good. Let’s do this.” Since Ernie is normally my troublemaker, I let it pass & we went in to the potential new apartment.

…where, after prancing about & initiating Property!Manager into their fan club, Zoey promptly trotted over to the smaller bedroom & hunkered down to pee on the carpet.

OMG NOOOOOOOO!!

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Luckily after a decade of hanging out with Zoey, I know the signs & was able to rush over, pick up her troublesome ass & scoot her out the door with Sachiel before she did any major damage.

After apologizing profusely to my prospective landlord, I went outside to get napkins from my car to sponge things up. Sachiel, who’d been outside with my urinary miscreant, took the napkins inside, and I stood there with Zoey.

“Well go on then,” I told her, “you might as well pee the rest of it out & finish what you started.”

At which point she laid down on the grass as if to say, “Nah, I’m good. I just wanted to do it there.”

:sigh: Little bitch.

Thankfully, Property!Manager wasn’t offended, and let us know there’d been another dog in the apartment with the last tenant, so Zoey was probably marking territory & they’d been planning to shampoo the carpets before the new tenant moved in anyway.

She was also really nice about the fact that, in the hubub, we’d totally just left Ernie with her in the apartment off his leash.

I don’t know if the two dogs had decided to declare Opposites Day just to screw with the humans or what, but while Zoey was expressing herself, Ernie was, according to Property!Manager, “Such a good little boy — so cute and well-behaved!”

:pause:

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Okay… okay sure. Why yes, yes, he is like that all the time, it’s great. Awesome. Totally. Right.

Luckily, Virginia, there is a New Apartment Santa Claus.

Needlees to say, we applied for the apartment then & there, and got a call the next day saying that yes, we’d been cleared & it was ours for the taking.

:fist of triumph!:


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oh, but don’t worry – the universe continued to screw with me. because it’s fun.

For oh yea, there is joy in the land, my beloved miscreant readers – Sachiel & I went forth & offered up two cashiers’ checks to the Gods of Security Deposit & First Month’s Rent, and I left my 30 day notice letter at 1049. We got keys to the new abode, and Property!Manager promised to email us the lease because her printer had run out of ink that morning.

All was well.

Then, as we were at 1049 (where my printer lives) and I was reading the lease, I saw this:


No it is too long, let me sum up: The lease says that if the landlord gets through the condo zoning process & decides to start selling the units off as condos, they can kick us out at any time with 30 days’ notice.

…and I was like, “WHOA. What?”

source

Because no. No way. No way was I going to move into a place, thinking I’d be there for at least a year, & then get told that I’d have to move out & have only 30 days notice to find a place that would take two dogs. No.

I mean, seriously, I was trying to be like, an adult & be calm & reasonable about the whole thing, because hello we’d already put down the deposits & sh*t, so we kinda had to sign the lease & move — but that wasn’t mentioned in our tour or anything, so while I could plan contingency and all, the five year old in my brain was totally not dealing well.


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However, Anya talked me off the ledge and I emailed Property!Manager & managed to very calmly & casually be all, “Hey – what up with that?”

…and a few hours later, I got a response from Property!Manager that no no, this was just something they have for all their properties, the owners have held the property for nine years & had no intention of selling. It seems the properties had actually been zoned for condos about five years ago, and she kept telling the owners they needed to change the language in the contracts because it keeps causing this question from new renters, etc. ::insert further annoyance with employer here::

Short version: we’re good to go.


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You know what the hardest part of moving is? The part where you move.

…which is where we are now. Sachiel & I had two options: we could shift things over a bit at a time over the course of the month… or we could just freakin’ do it & try to get everything in by this weekend so it would all just be over.

Of course we chose the crackhead option.

Which meant we spent our New Year’s cleaning the new apartment, and in my case, packing up the old one. and yesterday, doing online traffic school, but we’ll talk about that later.

On Saturday, Math & DJT are going to come help us move the larger furniture-type things (big couch, oversized armchair, bookcase, desk & a trunk) and various other shiznit, after which Sachiel & I will no doubt have to fall over & sleep for a while.


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Hopefully by Monday the only thing left to do will be for me to go back & clean the old place, hand over the keys, and glare ominously at Old!Landlord to remind him that he should get my deposit (and the 10 years’ interest that West Hollywood renters’ law entitles me to collect) to me quickly because let’s be honest – should the occasion require, sometimes… I’m kind of a bitch.


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And after all that’s done, I just have to circle back to where we started: Expectation.

because all of those things that I was going to do over Christmas break before I knew I was moving?

Yeah. they still need to get done. But at least now that I’ve moved significantly west towards where The Things That Make Up My Life reside, I’ll have an extra hour & a half of time not spent in traffic each day to work on actually accomplishing them.

Which means I’ll probably only have 45 minutes of free productivity time because really, who are we kidding — I’m totally going to sneak in some sleep.


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Tru fax?

Honestly, my real fear is now that we have an apartment with a garage to work in, I may come home from work one day & find that Sachiel has decided to give Ernie a makeover.

source

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Good luck, little dude. Just remember – Mommy loves you.

 

Music: Jason Mraz – Sleeping to Dream – Live from Montalvo (Selections for Friends)



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]]> http://heroineaddict.me/a-tale-of-moving-house-tumblr-style/feed/ 2 http://heroineaddict.me/zombie-abandonment-poll-a-holiday-activity/ http://heroineaddict.me/zombie-abandonment-poll-a-holiday-activity/#comments Wed, 14 Dec 2011 18:21:18 +0000 claris http://heroineaddict.me/?p=1794 The right side of my body is a bit for sh*t. And it turns out – so is Sachiel.

As I’ve mentioned in other entries, I’ve been having some issues since September with strain in my right forearm/elbow. I’ve also been having twinges in my right knee, which of course is just fantastic.

One Friday, after a technically challenging erg set, Sachiel & I went out to do errands. In the course of this, we were walking up a set of stairs from underground parking, and just something about the way I put the weight on my right leg to go up the step caused my right knee to take out a cleaver and attempt to sever the bottom half of my leg from the rest of my body.

My response was to make a[n admittedly rather] girly noise of pain and shock. Sachiel, ahead of me on the stairs, started walking up them faster, yelling, “What is it? Are you okay? Is everything all right?” as she’s running away.

Once I recovered and got to the top of the stairs, I made two statements:

1. We’re going to stop at the Sports Chalet in that shopping complex and get me a sleeve knee brace because whatever the frig that was I do not know but have no desire to ever experience it again.

2. Sachiel is a bad friend.

Claris:	Dude. You ran away.
Sachiel	what was I supposed to do?
Claris:	Stay! Help! I could have been in mortal danger!
Sachiel	Okay, you know what? Look at you. Now look at me. I am 5’2″ & 3/4. You are a big strong rower type. What could I possibly do to defend you?
Claris:	Hello? Safety in numbers!
Sachiel	Oh, no. I’ve seen the zombie movies – the people that go back for their friends inevitably end up getting eaten too. Number one rule – don’t go back to save others if you want to survive.
Claris:	Did you seriously just say that? You are totally a bad friend!
Sachiel	No, I’m realistic. Because I know you, and if there’s something bad enough to make you make that girly scared-girl noise, it’s really bad. Like, ridiculously bad. And if it scares youthat much, the best thing I can do is get myself to safety & see if I can find reinforcements.
Claris:	Are you seriously going with the “when scary things get scared: not good” defense?
Sachiel	yes. That. Totally that.
Claris:	And you’re doing this on a day where I’m your ride home?
Sachiel	As long as I’m still alive, I can call a cab.
Claris:	Whatever, Zombie Abandoner. Whatever.

When we got to our destination that day, we were still going strong, & upon explaining what happened to the person we were visiting, Sylvie looked at me & went, “So now you know – she is a bad friend.*”
*Due to Sylvie’s country of origin, we also discovered this statement is even funnier when expressed in a French accent.

As such, it’s somewhat possible that in our household, the word “zombie” has become a Pavlovian trigger for Sachiel to begin an increasingly eloquent defense of her actions, which I graciously offered to allow her to present here.

The “girly noise of pain and shock” was a SCREAM. A “OH MY GOD SOMETHING REALLY SCARY AND REALLY HORRIBLE IS NEARBY!!!” scream. The parking garage wasn’t well-lit and I was walking up stairs that were open stairs where something could have been in the process of trying to grab me.

This was the thought process that occurred (more or less):
Lalala. Stairs. Not a fan. I hope I don’t trip.

[Claris' SCREAM OF FEAR!]

%@&^&!!!! WHAT’S WRONG? IS THERE A HUGE SPIDER HEADED TOWARDS ME?! IS THERE A RAT BY THE STAIRS?! IS THERE A SNAKE?! IS THERE SOMETHING REALLY GROSS BY THE STAIRS?! IS THERE A CREEPY PERSON?! OMG! IS THE CREEPY PERSON TRYING TO GRAB ME FROM UNDER THE STAIRS?! MOVE FASTER! FASTER!!! GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM THE SCARY!!!

Running was the best option. If Claris were in actual danger, then me and my six months of fitness krav wasn’t going to be of any help to the girl who used to like to beat things up.

By running away, I was putting distance between me and the scary, which would allow me to assess the situation from a safe distance. My sense of self-preservation is strong. I may be selfish, but as at least I’ll be alive when the zombpocalypse occurs.

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Truly, 1049 is currently a house divided, and there’s only one solution:

Let the internet decide.

So, what say you, interwebs? Is Sachiel’s Zombie Abandonment approach to friendship valid, or am I right in my “bit for shit” classification of her actions?

Welcome to the Holiday Zombie Challenge.

The Game:
- Get Facebook Like count to 100
- Have a minimum 100 votes in the poll below

Reward:
Whoever the internet proves to have the lesser moral compass will make a $100 donation to Toys for Tots in the winner’s name. Word on the street is that this year, the Marines could use a little extra help.

Deadline:
- December 21st

So c’mon people – share us on your social media, spread the word, get your friends in line and help Sachiel and I decide whose morality should win out. Just remember – it’s for the children.


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Step 1

Why the Facebook like count? So that neither side in the argument can stuff the interweb ballot box by simply ditching the cookies on their browser & voting again. 30 people have already liked us, so each of y’all just need to get 2.3 friends to come play the game. Assuming, that is, that you’ve got 2.3 friends…

Step 2

Take Our Poll

 

Music: Baby You’re Gonna Have to Pay – Victoria (Alcazar)




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]]> http://heroineaddict.me/zombie-abandonment-poll-a-holiday-activity/feed/ 1 http://heroineaddict.me/thinking-in-colors-dating-like-an-austen-novel-how-to-booby-trap-a-brand-identity/ http://heroineaddict.me/thinking-in-colors-dating-like-an-austen-novel-how-to-booby-trap-a-brand-identity/#comments Thu, 08 Dec 2011 22:58:13 +0000 claris http://heroineaddict.me/?p=1822 Sorry, fellow miscreants. I’ve been pretty sick for the last week with what I can only describe as The Head Cold From Hell – to give perspective, I’ve only worked out once in the last five days, it’s been that bad. And even then, on Tuesday night after I did spin, I admitted to Heekin that I was still feeling like arse, & it’s possible that she as the instructor kinda kicked me out of yoga & told me not to come back until I was actually better instead of trying-to-act-like-I’m-okay better.

Fun part of life right now is the fact that I’m not used to taking drugs of any kind, so this week has been quite entertaining for Sachiel. Amongst other things, it’s possible that at one point I declared that I could only think in colors. These & other moments of fun were brought to you by the letter P & the good cold meds that federal law makes you swipe your license to buy at Target.

I don’t get sick enough for meds very often, so I was unfamiliar with this little pharmaceutical snafu, and since at that point I was basically wandering around Target like a grumblingly cranky 3-year-old that’s missed naptime, it may have taken more than one attempt to explain the necessity to produce ID.
Finally, things cleared my brain fog & I said, “Wait, so you guys weren’t kidding about that? Seriously, I couldn’t even remember to bring the coupon so we could get $1 off 2 cartons of juice– at this point in time, do I really strike you as someone capable of starting a meth lab?”

Things I’ve learned in the last week:

1. Zoey does not have cancer.
…and it only took a burst cyst on her butt, two vet appointments, and the low low price of $500 to help us determine that. This is also my mental reminder that I need to start Ernie‘s pet insurance policy from the same company as his sister ’cause oy, with the checkbook.

2. Neti pots only work under certain circumstances.
The present state of my left nostril, it would seem, is not one of them.

Neti Pots are supposed to help irrigate the crap out of your nose, and during the Target excursion wherein I reaffirmed my disinclination for meth addiction, Sachiel & I had a convo that we’ve heard Dao Jones talk about how much she likes them. So when when we saw one while waiting for the pharmacist, I was all, “Sure, let’s give it a whirl.”

It worked okay on the right nostril – not the nice neat stream they show in the illustrations, but still, air flow was achieved.

Left nostril… well let’s just say that if the nostril prefers to remain blocked, the warm liquid you’re attempting to run through doesn’t really have anywhere to go, at which point things can get backed up and you just might end up spitting out neti pot saline solution that’s leaked down the back of your throat, thankful for the decision to attempt this particular procedure over a bathtub as opposed to the sink as suggested by the directions.
The end result of this experiment may have been me cracking up Sachiel by stumbling out of the bathroom with red-rimmed eyes and the violent snuffles of a cokehead as I coughed, “Oh yah. Check it out – I’m wicked f*ckin’ sexy.”

3. Oh, TV – teacher mother secret lover…
Ne’er was a truer word spoken by Homer Simpson, my friends. Little did I know at the time what a fortuitously-timed purchase my Roku would turn out to be. The start of the week was season 1 of Nikita, which I probably would have watched sooner if I’d known the hottest version of Tom Sawyer ever was on it, as well as 30 Rock, which made me feel way better about the fact that, odd as my life occasionally is, at least I have never inadvertently dated my cousin.

 



 

However, even hunkered on my couch under a blankie & the 21-pound Puggle who thought me being home all day was great, I still had the interwebs.

When in doubt, just ask – What Would Lady Catherine de Bourgh Do?

Dear Mike:
Every so often, I have the whole “32 years old & single omfg” moment. I do, I totally do.

And then I see the email you wrote to the poor girl that went on one date with you, and I feel alot better about the fact that I tend to err on the side of caution.
h/t to @drst for the link

No Love,
~ Claris
- the girl whose inadvertent life trend of adopting the canines nobody else wanted means that, in a pinch, I can literally set my dogs on you.
#ErnieWillTotesCutABitchYo

f*ck yah I’m gonna friend Jesus on twitter!

I can’t decide if this is awesome or a one-way ticket to damnation, but that doesn’t make the fact that someone thought it up any less amusing.

Honestly, it was kinda worth getting up this morning simply to have the internet show me this:



…and he’s got his own facebook page.
How his ident got verified with Zuckerberg’s security, that’s what I want to know.

Welcome to the importance of controlling your brand identity.

Fun fact: I own the majority of the generic rowing urls for the LA area. About… five years ago I worked for some guys who flipped domains on the side, & after watching them I went through and, amongst other things, bought up urls for the niche market of rowing in Los Angeles.

However, my original business application(s) for this venture are no longer in play, so I’ve been looking to donate some, sell others, and I keep having to explain to people why yes, they want to acquire the urls that I have if for no other reason than to make sure someone else can’t use those name against them.

Prime example:
www.stanfordrejects.com

Yes, that totally goes there. No, I don’t own the domain, but indeed, having rowed with alumni of both schools, I did laugh more than a little.

 

---

 

That’s it for now, kids. But fear not! We’ll be back on Tuesday, asking you to help settle a household debate by voting on an important ethical quandary in preparation for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

In the meantime, I’ve asked Zoey to keep an eye on the place. Good luck.



 

Music: When I Was in Your Heart – David Gray (Draw the Line)




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]]> http://heroineaddict.me/thinking-in-colors-dating-like-an-austen-novel-how-to-booby-trap-a-brand-identity/feed/ 2 http://heroineaddict.me/passing-the-wil-wheaton-test-puppies-building-forts/ http://heroineaddict.me/passing-the-wil-wheaton-test-puppies-building-forts/#comments Thu, 17 Nov 2011 18:40:17 +0000 claris http://heroineaddict.me/?p=1698 So. That happened.
Wow. Not gonna lie, last week was kinda rough. Lil’ heavier than any of us were probably expecting. That in mind, I figured we’d take a moment & hit up some shiznit that’s making my world better.

it’s okay, we can all be kinda crazy in the head together.

While my confession of small mental breakdown wasn’t intended to be so, it would seem that several of you found great solidarity & comfort in knowing it’s not just you.

Guess what, people? It’s not just you.

:insert chorus of small children crying out with delight:

…plus it would seem we could all use some freakin’ cake.

source

Claris:	ooh – momentary freedom?
k-walla	oh yea, i am leaving at 5:15 then – I”M OUT BITCHES!!!!!!!!! i really know how to push the envelope lol
Claris:	:snerk: me too – tomorrow, I don’t come in here to work, so I’m going to be at home working!
k-walla	woo woo – we crazay i very much liked your blog post today, always good to know other people spiral out of control with the weird and downer head thoughts as well!
Claris:	HOLD ME BACK omg, it’s like freakin’ rampant lately we’re all taking turns, just not on purpose.
k-walla	there was that great cartoon on hyperbole and a half too
Claris:	omg, I love her. but yah, it’s especially hard for single girls I think because if there’s a guy at home he’s like, “Okay, you know you’re being crazy, right? Do you want to have sex? Would that help?” and then you might be crazy, but at least you’re crazy & getting laid.
k-walla	haha, totally and that would help!
Claris:	I know, right? Instead I’m sitting here emailing eHarmony to see why they rejected my affiliate program application for Project!Site — so that at least if people other than me are gonna get some, I’ll get paid for helping them get there, dammit.

–> For the record, eHarmony’s reply was that they only look to place with affiliates who will be able to offer meaningful content for dating & relationships, & how would my site fit into that?

Taking my life into consideration, I sat down to write a reply explaining what kind of meaningful content I could bring to the subject of finding compatibility with others and…

…yeah. I’ll get back to that one later.

Seriously, people – I just want to put up a damn banner sometimes & probably poke fun of your company during early February – why does that have to be so freakin’ hard??



Tru fax, peoples

When I went to put an ad up there, I originally thought I’d put up something for like, Chemistry.com or Match.com just to be a smartass to eHarmony. However, when I clicked on the “Dating” category on LinkShare, I found — and I swear to $deity this is true — that under Dating is Chocolate.com.

You have to appreciate the sheer awesome of whoever it was in their office that decided to be totes McGotes real about the way life is… or possibly they were going through a breakup when assigned the task of setting up their company’s affiliate network. Either way, I’m in favor.

Normally I don’t go for this sort of blatant, slightly schmaltzy advertising on a blog, but in this case I’m going to go ahead & make a one-time exception to let you know that from now until the end of the year, you get 10% Off at Chocolate.com With Code MYCHOC10.

Because let’s be honest – in this day & age, a company that employs someone willing to run with that brand of truthiness deserves to stay in business.

Speaking of advertising – I passed the Wil Wheaton test, y’all. :fist of triumph:

I’ve been looking at ad rates on other blogs lately for an ActualFaxRealLife project of mine, & I decided to see how much it might cost to help support the Bloggess’ Wine-Shushee Habit.

However, such an inquiry is not without risk — as Bloggess readers know, should you strike the wrong note, emailing on such a subject can earn you Wil Wheaton collating paper. For a moment, I totally considered trying to sound professional, but we all know that would be a short-lived effort, so instead I sent an email regarding the use of the word “Dickensian” and the fact that I’d put on my Big Girl Pants for the occasion.

What’d I get back?

This? Is an awesome email. I’m giving you the slow clap. But softly because my daughter is sleeping.
~ @TheBloggess

This email may have caused me to swing by Polgara’s desk yesterday & say, “So… I got a slow clap from the Bloggess.”
Polgara: What? How?
Claris: I emailed her about ad rates. I’m just really proud I didn’t get Wil Wheaton.
Polgara: She only does that to people that email her stupid stuff. What did you say?
Claris: Well I wrote her like… ya know, the way I normally talk.
Polgara: oh.
Claris: Yeah, so I’m not gonna lie — slow clap? Kinda proud of that.

…and then Polgara had a huge coughing fit. This was more due to her salad dressing than our conversation, but as SarahNicole will tell people, “Claris is a choking hazard. I can’t sit near her at meal times.”

It’s animals, people. TALKING IN CAPS. How do you not know about this already??

SOMETIMES I FEEL FEELINGS, YOU PERT, JUDGMENTAL EATING DISORDER BILLBOARD! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Much in the same spirit as the guy who Facebook msg’d me after my post regarding the word faggot to say that he would now be looking for an opportunity to shout at someone that they are, indeed, a bundle of sticks, I kind of want to call someone a “pert judgmental eating disorder billboard”. I think this could probably be contextually achieved if I walk down Sunset Blvd on a Friday night, most likely somewhere between the Viper Room & the Hustler Store. Oh yes, it can be done.

also?
THIS IS AN ENCYCLOPEDIA. IT’S LIKE WIKIPEDIA EXCEPT YOU CAN TRUST IT.
–> for the young’ins in the audience, I shall put this in a context you can understand.

They don’t talk in caps, so it’s a good thing they’re cute.

Sachiel arrives on Friday to begin what we’re calling #OccupyCouch for a bit. As part of #OccupyCouch, we’re going to have to re-stuff the back cushions of said couches due to the fact that as of late, the canine children have taken to burrowing into their favorite place in the whole wide apartment to make sleeping forts.

Case in point:


…right? I KNOW.

You argue with that.

Go on. Try.

Music: I Can Get Drunk & I Can Sing Songs – Two Man Gentleman Band (Live in NYC)



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]]> http://heroineaddict.me/passing-the-wil-wheaton-test-puppies-building-forts/feed/ 2 http://heroineaddict.me/interweb-innerworkings-puggles-in-bow-ties-the-danger-of-balcony-ammunition/ http://heroineaddict.me/interweb-innerworkings-puggles-in-bow-ties-the-danger-of-balcony-ammunition/#comments Thu, 29 Sep 2011 20:48:27 +0000 claris http://heroineaddict.me/?p=1412 Okay, let’s review how this internet thing works.

So remember how, a bit back, I said I wanted to play with some sms stuff, & so could you guys hit the like button & comment, etc? And a bunch of you have, & it’s great.

Except that I meant to do it in the blog.

’cause while the likes on my actual facebook page are rockin’, they’re also locked from the public & thus do roughly nada for me being able to ‘speriment with the interwebs while I try to prep Project #1 & #2. There’s a button up there ^ on the right, another bunch to play with down there at the bottom, and a couple more over there on the right>, so while I know we’re all used to being able to critique the world from behind the flimsily-constructed iron curtain* of Livejournal’s security features, I’d appreciate the help by allowing the sometimes harsh light of that mysterious burning ball of light in the sky to fall upon our (occasionally) witty repartee.
*As lawgeekgurl said when she saw my apartment for the first time, “Okay I love you, but this sh*t is so totally not built to code.”

Plus, if I get things the way I like, I can work on taking over my own little enclave of the internet, which means that if the Tea Party prevails and the terrorists win, we’ll have somewhere to hide from The Crazy. And even if I can’t eat them, you know my bomb shelter will have cookies.

…because that’s how I roll, yo.

Awesome: discovering that somewhere along the way in packing lunch you’d put two of the single servs of Colby Jack Cheese in with your veggies & hummus, and because you’d forgotten having done so, it was a pleasant surprise. Yay cheese!
Dismay: the fact that you had trouble getting the packaging open.
Depressing: knowing that somewhere there’s a 5 year old that could do it faster than you while playing Angry Birds on their iPad.

my powers are mysterious, diverse, & influential. Forget that not, mine readers.

The latest Friends Are Fun! Reader Feedback comes from edwud:
Puggles? What the hell is a puggle? And why does it look like a much smaller version of a proper dog? Why am i looking at a facebook gallery of puggles and then at the local pound listings? Damn you, Claris!

The reward for your prize:
Because someone on your facebook queried regarding puggles in bow ties, the answer is that it looks something like this:


For the record, there were shots of this puppy looking happier about his bow tie in that shop, but judging by the look on his face, I do believe this fellow had hit the end of his Patience For The Silly Human That Feeds Me and actively began Plotting Nefarious Revenge. I venture this opinion as the mommy of this dog’s twin brother — or at least, that’s what Ernie looks like when he hasn’t decided to get his pudge on by eating his sister’s food.
We’re down half a pound! 22.8! yay Ernie!

Also edwud, the answer is yes — I totally think you should get one. While a big guy/chihuahua combo might be odd & off-putting, I think you’ll find the stout hardiness of a wee puggle will actually make you a total chick magnet for the pure cute-but-not-wussy awesomeness of having a dog that looks like a perpetual puppy. Go for it, edwud! you know you wanna!

My next public appearance: The photo shoot for Merriam-Webster’s definition of “bad influence”.



Dear Neighbors I Don’t Have: We’re not moving in. You’re welcome.

–> How to build a ball pit on your balcony
Yes, you totally read that right. On the one hand, the part of me that was too tall for the ball pit by age six is tempted, but the part of me that’s Ernie & Zoey‘s mom knows there’s simply too much opportunity for chaos inherent in this entire idea.

• Just off the top of my head:

• Zoey could would try to bury Ernie
• I would constantly be tripping over the balls they’d inevitably scatter throughout the house.
• I have often looked at the apartments just north of the Grove with their cute little individual balconies, seen the dogs who often laze in the sun on them & thought, “Zoey would so totally drop stuff on people passing by.” Best not to give her any extra ammunition.

Hrm. Now that I think about it, probably best not to get an apartment with a balcony period, or at least block off the bottom three feet if I do — once he gets back down to fighting trim, Ernie is probably small enough to be used as Balcony-Drop Ammunition.

You see? You see what I have to anticipate? Whoever said pets were relaxing were full of sh*t, man — if I ever have kids their toddler years are gonna suck simply because Zoey & Ernie will have already taught me the lessons I’ll need to circumvent any trouble. Ha ha, Future Minions 50% of Whose DNA is Still Chillin’ in my Ovaries. The dogs are already working to ruin your fun. Ha freakin’ ha.

Claris: So I was writing today about this guy that made a ball pit on his apartment balcony -
lawgeekgurl: That’s awesome.
Claris: I know, right? And then the whole thing descended into how I don’t think I could have a balcony in my new apartment.
lawgeekgurl: Or you’d have to put chickenwire or something across it so that Zoey doesn’t push Ernie off.
Claris: see? yes! Thank you, that’s totally where my brain went. That makes me feel so much better, because I thought I was just being overly.
Lisa: No, it just means that you have two dogs. Isn’t it great?

Music: Awake My Soul – Mumford & Sons



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]]> http://heroineaddict.me/interweb-innerworkings-puggles-in-bow-ties-the-danger-of-balcony-ammunition/feed/ 2 http://heroineaddict.me/crushing-souls-pathetic-honesty-my-own-secret-club/ http://heroineaddict.me/crushing-souls-pathetic-honesty-my-own-secret-club/#comments Tue, 30 Aug 2011 16:47:03 +0000 claris http://heroineaddict.me/?p=1272 I have a story to tell you. It’s about an incredibly horrible way to lose seven pounds in five days. There may be some TMI involved.

So while I compose this tale of stomach-emptying woe which may have resulted in me thanking the gods I got an apartment with hardwood while I laid on my living room floor in my underwear during LA’s only heat wave this summer, I thought I’d share some of the non-yicky part of last week with you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to resume sipping on my Nalgene full of watered-down Gatorade and cursing the part of me that told Museum!Co, “Sure, I’ll come in Monday so we can get it done early!”

My son has 46 friends on his facebook page. He’s five days old.

~ Pawswithclaws

This is what happens when you have nerd parents.
…and a nerd auntie, and they all have nerd friends.

Welcome to the future, people – it’s gonna be great.

I know, right? If I was you, I’d totally want me teaching you to row.

Text’d by me to another coach:
I just signed up to teach my sculling I requirement for the december class. I can’t wait ’til flip test day, those poor shivery bastards.

The German language – crushing souls one word at a time.

Actual German word that I had to type out for one of my contract jobs:
Wissenschaftgeschichte
Ha! It is too a real word, I totally linked it ’cause I knew you’d say I made it up.

As someone of primarily German descent, I’d just like to take a moment to look at my ancestral heritage & say:



why on earth would you do that to the children? ’cause you look at that word, & you just know that somewhere, at some time in history — that word completely killed some poor kid’s dreams at a spelling bee.

Is it pathetic if you’re just bein’ honest?

One of the project managers at Civic!Co & I were talking about project management/availability for the fall, & my response was:

yah, I’ll be around the next few months — my life’s boring like that.

After I sent it, I thought, “Wow, that’s kinda depressing.” Then I realized… doesn’t make it any less true. :shrug:

This is totally making my life better.

Texts from Pawnee

First, if you’re not watching Parks & Rec… wtf, man. You really need to. It’s okay if you’ve held out, for a while I did too. Then I had a weekend at the Menagerie following a week of texts from amypop about the greatness of Leslie Knope & there was this Roku box loaded up with Seasons 1 & 2 via NetFlix, & yeah. It was all over, I just can’t even tell you.

Second, if you’ve ever worked in the nightclub/bar/restaurant/nighttime entertainment industry, the captions are awesome because I’ve totally heard the real life versions, and no comic could sit down & make up the sh*t people say when they’re trashed.

Awesome because…

• Not gonna lie, situations like this are how I learned the majority of what I know about the internet.
• Based on how he parties, it would seem Tom Haverford would make a great Bronzer
• Technically speaking, he’s not entirely wrong…
• I know people that have made this particular life choice. Sometimes it actually works out better.

Plus, I just really like this one because it kinda defines a lot of my friends:







I can tell that we are gonna be friends…

There’s often a staff mtg for my department at Museum!Co on Wednesdays, and CaptJack will bring bagels for it — even when there’s not a meeting, he still brings bagels. (this kind of works out for me since as a contractor I don’t go to these meetings, so either way — bagels!)

But Claris, you might be thinking — no wheat, no bagel, yes?

Well… yes. but the New Yorker in me likes the free bagels concept on principle. shoosh.

Anyway, so it’s Wednesday, and there I am in the staff kitchen, putting my bowl of fruit & yogurt together for breakfast across from the mountain of pastries & bagels delivered by the CaptJack Express.

One of the girls that got hired the week before comes in, looks at the bagels & gave a sad little sigh, so I laughed & said, “I know, right? There’s almost always food out here, it’s actually kind of evil.”

She looked at me & replied, “It’s not just that. I’m actually gluten intolerant, but I really like bread, and that’s kind of my idea of hell.”

What can I say? Men have brothers-in-arms, women have sisters-in-intestines.

I cracked up. “Oh my god yes totally. I actually have the same problem. Hence my gluten-free breakfast.” :holds up bowl of fruit:

It was kind of awesome, I’m not gonna lie – we both admitted to constantly eating fruit & the fact that you just… reason out having bread every so often & resign yourself to the part where you’re gonna pay for it after.
example: later in the day, I told myself that the the half a bagel that I had wasn’t bad nutritionally because the cream cheese had lox in it, so I was actually just using the bagel as the vehicle to deliver extra protein to my system, so the protein outweighed the gluten… right? Right. totally. that’s what I said.

The conversation petered out, & she went, “Okay, so what’s your name again?”

“Claris. I’m sorry, yours?”

“lyssa.”

“Awesome. talk to you later?”

“Totally, we’ll exchange recipes.”

It’s like this whole little club that I never even knew I belonged to…

Music: After the Storm – Mumford & Sons




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